The twenty-something dating world is a weird animal – in New York, at least. Rewind a couple years, when you were in college: Back then it was easy to find out who was available, who was a douche, and who was worth the fight. Usually it just took a text message. Remember crushing on that tall guy in your Philosophy class? “What’s the deal with hot tall guy?” you SMS your friend. She quickly reminds you that he was the dude that pissed all over your freshman year hall. Then uprooted a six-foot plant and put it in your roommate’s closet. He’s a no go. And remember first seeing Plaid T-Shirt in the corner of the Dining Hall? You quickly got the scoop on him too: Single – and, no crazy ex. So you cross the cafeteria clusterfuck known as Tortellini Tuesday Rush Hour and ask if there’s room at his small table. “Yes, of course,” he says, before you both realize your mutual love for alliterative daily dinner specials.
But then you graduate and leave the college bubble, and head to New York with all sorts of big ideas and big dreams. You get situated; figure out your work stuff. Also: How to deal with Time Warner’s automated billing service and how to discreetly cry on the subway. Then there’s meeting new people. Which is a different experience, and pretty challenging. Because just months into the move, you’ll be forced to reconcile the fact that you won’t meet your future boyfriend at a bar downtown. It’s too loud; he’s too drunk, and an extremely uncoordinated dancer from Long Island. Plus, you know nothing about this guy – you met over an “Oh my god, I love this song, too!” and that’s as deep as the dialogue will go. You won’t meet him in the workplace, either. Unless you can deal with morning after conversations by the printer, or forced small talk about the shitty coffee machine. You also realize there are a fair amount of guys in your age bracket who treat the “real world” like a fraternity. Kappa Alpha Wall Street happy hour, bro! (High five.)
(At one point early on, you bring up this New-to-New York dating anxiety to your mom. “Oh come on!” she says. “You’re in your twenties and in New York. It’s the place to meet the most interesting people!” But where? And before you know it, she pulls out “contacts.” Like that childhood neighbor’s son in finance.)
All of these futile dating scenarios drive cathartic conversations between you and your single friends over long dinners that involve lots of wine, high-pitched yelling, and dramatic hand gestures. Of course, these conversations just end in awful hangovers. Because for a city that’s so overwhelmingly packed with bodies – where you rub thighs with strangers on the train, where there are people always out socializing, and looking good – there’s still a sense of a romantic disconnect. The fact that many call New York a “lonely” place is a counterintuitive, but sort of harsh reality. Which is why there are some of us twenty-somethings who explore other avenues in order to, in a way, face and conquer this reality.
For me, the idea of joining an online dating site seemed strange, slightly awkward, and embarrassing. But after a close friend convinced me to try it out, I figured “Why not?” Thus prompting my first Small World Experience in this overpopulated but intimately interconnected city.
I was a huge novice to this thing called “online dating” (because it is totally an alien concept in the year 2011). In retrospect, I probably could’ve picked more attractive and sexy default photos, but what my prospective cyber lovers got instead were pictures of me drunkenly smiling in a blazer, hanging with a little boy in a poncho, and posing by myself in a plaid shirt and hat – aka mountain woman garb. I also could’ve filled out my profile with relevant information. I had a boring “Hey there!” in the “About Me” section and listed semi-snobby indie selections in my “Favorite Music/Film/Book” sections. But what I really had a problem with was the fundamental backbone of online dating itself: Correspondence.
At the beginning I ignored a good amount of messages from interested parties. Take “ButABitchAintOne,”(28, the Bronx): “Wuzzup sexy thing. U want sum chocolate?” Or “BatsFlyFunny,” (29, Manhattan): “You remind me of a blonde Jackie Chan. Get at me.” Or NOT_A_Rapist (26, Cohoes)… Where the fuck is Cohoes, New York?
After I got my bearings, I discovered what I liked to call “cyber footsy” (where you can see when people are “checking you out” and vice versa), and built up the stamina to message two different prospects. We’ll call them “Alan” and “Stan.” I had a lot in common with Alan and Stan: Alan was a big fan of music and his preppy friends called him a hipster for unwarranted reasons, while Stan was a philosophy major turned tech writer with a great sense of humor. Both were good-looking, interesting, funny, etc, and the dialogue moved along nicely. So, I planned on meeting both of them in person – until I had to cancel on Alan last minute and Stan went radio silent.
Soon enough, I rescheduled with Alan. Then one night I got really drunk and figured it’d be a good idea to message Stan, too. Why not, right? The Internet was on my side.
“Hey, are we going to get that drink?” I said, trying to sound nonchalant, before faceplanting into my pillow to pass out. The next morning, I woke up to a response from Stan, circa 1:27 a.m.: “You almost went on a date with my roommate.”
Cosmic jokes are surreal, and perhaps momentous, human experiences. But they’re even more surreal when they happen on the Internet: There is just that huge space of separation that only heightens the mystery and bewilderment of it all. Yet, instead of calculating the chances of messaging two guys that are roommates amidst a pool of 500,000 active users, I responded with something like: “HAHAHA! That’s awkward!” (Caps lock intended to show that I didn’t care but just found it really comical.) Meanwhile my face was melting.
I was an official OKCupid slut: New York edition.
Realizing things had gotten too weird to back out, I went on the date with Alan. We had a fun time, talking about local music, our jobs, and partying. He also enjoyed teasing me about the whole roommate situation. “So my roommate…” he’d say at the beginning of a sentence, followed by “Wait, you know my roommate, right?” I would just laugh and say something like “Oh yeah! Small world!” (Followed by forced laughter then nervously looking down at something really interesting on the floor). We went out again to probably the only decent bar in Murray Hill and talked about post-college life and being in New York; post date, we texted and such.
About a week or so later, I was hanging out by Alan’s apartment and we decided to meet up. Minor detail: He brought his roommate Stan along. It was a peculiar afternoon; I met Stan and tried to crack some jokes that were just not funny. And then we went with Stan to pick up his laundry.
That night I took the next natural step in our generation’s progression of things and Facebook friended Stan. Which led to Facebook messages – stuff like how we thought The Social Network wasn’t overrated and about life in New York media, which we were both a part of – which led to G-chat, which led to text messages. Alan didn’t know anything about this, but hidden behind all these sorts of cyber-created screens – where there was no face-to-face interaction, just calculated, witty banter and flirty emoticons – Stan and I felt safer about doing something that wasn’t necessarily right.
Alan ended up finding out – he read a text message that I had sent Stan one Friday night. And, of course, he wasn’t happy about it. But the two roommates worked it out, and I began seeing Stan. Looking back now, what seemed like a situation of Two People Meeting Online followed by Dating In Real Life was not separate entities but oddly interrelated. Stan and I G-chatted all the time; we texted; we sexted; we talked on the phone. But for two people that were really into each other – and that lived in this geographically small city – we didn’t hang that much. Even when we G-chatted each other “I miss you” (followed by sad faces) at work, we didn’t meet after work. Our SoHo offices were less than a mile in walking distance.
It was a passionate cyber-meeting turned cyber-fueled fling that couldn’t sustain itself. What was missing was the human part of it. When Stan stopped talking to me out of nowhere, he later apologized over G-chat for his behavior. When more time passed, and it was okay for us to be friends, we tweeted at each other, and exchanged casual text messages. Then he started texting me on Saturdays at 9:30 am: “Will you come spoon me?” And to be honest, I don’t know what he would have done if I took a train to his place, knocked on his door, and spooned him.
Some time later, I saw a video of Stan pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. He had done a TV show guest spot to discuss online dating, which I found fittingly appropriate to watch. When OKCupid came up, he described it as the “Amazon.com of hooking up.”
You really don’t know what ultimately drives people to join dating sites and the kinds of people you’re going to meet.
***
In a city of almost 20 million, there shouldn’t be a necessity to hide out behind Photoshopped images and deliberated Profile descriptions of ourselves to meet someone we could potentially spoon with. But in a city of almost 20 million that keeps on shrinking – to the point where six degrees separation becomes obsolete – it makes sense. And maybe that’s why we abandon these streets of people to gaze at bright screens of images and words that might lead to potential romance.
When you really think about it though, there is something inherently sexy – and immediate, and thrilling – about sharing space with an attractive stranger on the 1,2,3. Much more than say a “poke” from “CaveManLikeyInternet”(29, Astoria) that you can’t actually feel, and whom you never hope to meet in person.
Vann Alexandra still has an OKCupid account, mostly because she doesn’t know how to deactivate it. But when she gets a 5-out-of-5 star rating from guys like “MisterApples” (19, Yonkers) it definitely makes her day.
What a wonderful story. What led me to your story was a post I read on Gizmodo and now, I have added your blog to my RSS feed. I am even considering linking to it from my blog.
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Persuing the relationship online is always a mistake that leads to disappointment. I’d much rather use online dating as a conduit towards finding like-minded available individuals. As soon as I meet in person, the online component is basically over and its as if I bumped into someone attractive an interesting on the subway. Be safe, but get the relationship off the computer and into reality as soon as you possibly can! BTW I’m on OKC too
@Scoobysnackz
I like how you think!
Cute article and a great story!! Thanks for sharing!
I’m on OKCupid, have been for almost three years, no such luck here…
I joined OKCupid a few months back with the intention of meeting new people but didn’t expect anything romantic to develop. After about a month or so of messaging and getting to know people I found someone who is damn near a perfect fit.
The quizzes are fun, but remember there are two faces to everyone. The one they have when they meet you and the one that is the REAL them after you get to know them.
Best of luck!
They wrote an article about you on gizmodo.
http://gizmodo.com/5818612/the-day-i-discovered-that-im-an-ok-cupid-asshole
Is this whole thing fake or did he really discover that you wrote an article about him the day you posted it?
hilarious…
http://gizmodo.com/5818612/the-day-i-discovered-that-im-an-ok-cupid-asshole
What is this article actually about?
That you went on a date with a guy once, then drunkenly texted a guy who happened to be his roommate, then became close but not really close because of the internet?
And that it was in New York, which is hard because because New York is too New Yorky to not New York when you’re New Yorking?
Yep. I’m pretty sure this can happen in any city. The term “only in new york” doesn’t really mean anything anymore. (It used to.)
@Lisa
You make a very valid point! I am still trying to figure out a way to change the concept of the site (which will need to start with the title itself “Only In New York), because if I have learned anything, this shit happens everywhere.
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How do we meet on OK Cupid?
http://gizmodo.com/5818612/the-day-i-discovered-that-im-an-ok-cupid-asshole
Nicely done. You’re not the only one to experience this. But you are the first person I’ve seen put it all down in such an honest way.
MrBrownHornet (39/Oakland). Good luck.
@Rick
Thanks!!
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Awesome post!! Hope NYC works out…if not, there’s always SF….and beyond. The world is tiny and beautiful. My perspective – instead of looking for local love, look for an interest that resides in a city far away. A place you’ve never been to, but have always wondered about. Casual start…and if communication builds to an encounter – travel there….with a back up plan of course (ie. super spy, undisclosed hotel). If the encounter fails…well, at least the adventure of new travel will always be there…if love blossoms…the possibilities are endless. Maybe move there…maybe somewhere in the middle…maybe somewhere new for both. Life is strange and wondrous. Vastness mythical and opaque. Experience and encounters propagate rationalization, and melding of alternate mind’s eye realities….at least until aliens wipe out the planet. Anyway, thanks for the insightful, psychoanalytical read. Cheers!
You want a small world internet dating story? Have I got one for you. I had had my profile for maybe two days when this guy Dan messaged me. He seemed really sweet, we lived and worked not far from each other. So we decided to meet up and get coffee. We were talking about how we both grew up in the same area and he asked me where I went to high school. I tell him.
“My little brother Josh went there. He graduated in 2007, do you know him?”
Know him? I’d lost my virginity to him behind a bush in a drunken haze at my friend Amy’s seventeenth birthday party.
@Sarah
HAHA! Awesome.
“Stan” definitely has a formula
it’s not necessary that if city have more people it’s easy to find the right people. i think dating these days ask for lots more, emotionally.
@iceberg020
Totally agree! I have realized that these experiences are not just based on a city, but the kind of world we live in today.
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Loved the blog. It actually made me laugh quite a bit. Its the same here in Dublin (Ireland) with the city having such a small polulation of 1.5 mil. A lot of the inherent issues of internet dating are written almost exactly like they display themselves. its pretty much from a guys point of view.
@Liamo
Thanks for the kind words; glad you enjoyed it!
Only in Cyberspace…
Curious…How did this all pan out? I figure youve seen “Stans” reply at gizmodo?
Both recounts are both cool and strange at the same time ..
@reeco
Nothing panned out, really. I decided recently to share what happened because the online dating world really fascinates me — also a New Yorker article definitely got me thinking more about the whole thing in general (http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/07/04/110704fa_fact_paumgarten). After I posted my story on Facebook, “Stan” responded on Gizmodo and that’s about it!
Any hollywood moments to speak off? As in have you had those clique moments that follow something like what you experienced? ….you know the ones where you bump into each other, blush and have those awkward conversations where you brush it all off using a form vieled commentary thats designed to make light of the moment? Usually followed by more laughter and or embarrasment.
For me that moment always occurs.ha!
Another is where your in the same room and everyone knows your story. Typical hollywood moment. Whispers start and then you know your the star attraction. Your friends peak over at there friends and vice versa. Tension in the air. Each other pretending they didnt notce the each other. Followed by the enivitable and most fake… “Oh hi!” “how long have you been here!”
Any of that sound familiar yet?
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Great post.
I too am on the OKC, and reads Stans stuff all the time, which is how I learned of your post. I’ve met a lot of great people on the OKC, went out had a great time, hooked up, did the do, and whether it be a fade out, or abruptly, we never speak again. it seems kinda pointless. But, as your post points out where or how else can you meet a potential mate?
& that’s where I’ll leave it. Thanks for sharing, it really helped, now I feel a little less lonely.
Thanks,
Ryan
Get. To. The. Point. Jay-Z, that took a long time. Your premise is not that unusual/interesting and you have a thing or two to learn about storytelling.
My “small world” experience was when my my sister’s ex-husband showed up as one of my matches. I was completely and totally horrified. It still makes me cringe a little just to type this.
Guuuuuurl. I feel you.
After seeing “Stan’s” article reposted on Jezebel today I screamed a little bit, contemplated my piece in the puzzle, and then felt a little bit internet-famous. Only a little bit, though.
“Stan”/Sam was one of the first guys I met up with on OkC. Within 24 hours of receiving my “You Rated Each Other 4 or 5 Stars!” message, “Stan” and I were texting, Gchating, and sending each other Demetri Martin-esque graphs of how lame we are via our iPhones.
Not long after that, we decided to hang out. We had a couple of fun dates and I was pretty smitten. He was easy to talk to, dressed nicer than I did, and had a comparable Netflix addiction. I never would have pegged him to be a (self-proclaimed?) internet dating asshole, but he abruptly dropped off the face without any explanation after a couple weeks of seeing each other. It was as if his phone, computer and facebook decided to run away and join the circus.
Honestly, I understand how easy it is to dismiss someone you meet on the internet. I do it all the time with guys that I’m not crazy about. Your online dating persona is only as true to life as you want it to be, and a website is the ultimate way to separate yourself from potentially lame prospects. Guys aren’t the only offenders in these situations, though. Some of my girl friends essentially use the site as an ego booster and to get free drinks out of law students or personal trainers. Low expectations are key, and you rarely even *look* for an actual human being through OKCupid.
I was wrong about Sam. Maybe it was our mutual love of “The Land Before Time” that clouded my vision and made me see a kid that wanted real companionship and a friendship of substance. The part that moves him firmly into the asshat category, however, was this. He STOLE my roommate’s sweater. Well, I lent it to him so that he wouldn’t be made fun of at work for wearing the same thing twice, but I fully intended on getting it back. After a few unthreatening texts asking if I could pick it up or if he could drop it off, I just stopped trying and dragged my guilty ass to H&M to get a new one. Sam, wherever you are and who/whatever you’re doing, you mostly likely owe me $25.
In other news, Alexandra, If you want to learn how to deactivate your OkCupid account, lemme know. It was a really positive thing for me.
@Sweaterless,
You just made my day — not only for using the word “asshat” (I’m stealing that little gem) but because you made me scream a little bit too (and LOL a lot). And for this reason: I am also sweaterless. It’s not just one sweater though, but four. So that’s got me at about $100-$200 of missing merchandise.
On that note, I would love for you to help me deactivate my account. Clearly, I suck at the Internet.
I’d bet a sweater that you’re lying and that Sam Biddle didn’t steal anything from you.
As for Vanna, we now all know that she’s a drunk, a gossip, a two timer, a fabricator (sexting? yeah, right), and a bore … no wonder Sam doesn’t talk to her any more.
I hope ‘Stan’ is reading this. He was my fifth grade boyfriend. I am glad we all have a place where we can talk about how quickly and passionately he came into our lives and how even faster he was gone.
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There is such a double standard with the whole it’s wrong for the guy to just ignore someone they’re not interested in, but girls will ignore guys all the time. I’m not even talking about the creepy messages, but actual thoughtful written messages. And even sweaterless admits to doing it. How can you be upset over it when you’re doing the same thing? Sounds pretty hypocritical to me.
@Jason. I agree. Her ego takes a hit and its a moral crime. I’m sure she did that to guys and didn’t lose any sleep over it.
Agreed. These b@#ches be crazy hypocritical yo.
I love you, Mike.
Wow! Amazing post! Simply amazing! You had my full attention with this amazing, titillating post!
When I started internet dating I was given some good advice: The rule of 3!
No more than three emails and then a phone call.
No more than three phone calls w/o a meeting in person.
Once you meet you have to keep the communication more “live” than electronic.
I’ve used this to avoid some of the pitfalls that I’m reading above. Maybe this will help someone.
Great story. Excellent blog BTW. Just ended up here via
http://gizmodo.com/5818612/the-day-i-discovered-that-im-an-ok-cupid-asshole
(which I am sure you are aware of by now!!)
You know… it strange that I have seen a lot of articles about okcupid lately… I was on that site for about 3 months a little over 3.5 years ago. I only knew (from my real world life) 3 other people that ever joined that site… 3 out of the 4 of us actually met our future spouses on okcupid… with all of the weddings planned for the next 6 months or so.
guess we never got into the amazon.com part of it.
the only thing about online dating i have a problem with is the fact people seem to go on there and not make any effort at all to have discussions with people or interact in any way.
i dont like to leave it too long, i find if you chat for too long without meeting id dies pretty quick, i say meet up quickly and then the internet part is removed and you can enjoy or not each others company
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The world is small so you need to see the bigger picture. You may have found out how small it is by a weird situation but there are people out there like me that never forget a single face. I see people from the internet all of the time. They don’t recognize me probably but I’m not surprised when a few have. Ignore people online then don’t be surprised if they ignore you in person. Be rude online and why should I be nice to them in person? I’ve even been hit on by people that have shot me down, ended up in the same class as them, etc. Thankfully my roommate and I have different tastes in women.
Nice artikle. Me likey. Ur words make me want hug u like panda in picture.
Maybe the reason I get no where on OKC is because I come off as that nice guy? We all know women don’t want a nice guy.
I would argue women still continue to go after the asshats even online rendering it pointless whether they are in a bar or on the internet.
How far were your offices in driving distance?
LOL re: “How far were your offices in driving distance?”!!!
the number of people in Manhattan who would drive from an office to another office to see someone can be counted on one hand.
and they all work for Mayor Mike and have official city cars.
I found this video through the Gizmodo link, and the story of one of the editors dating Jon Finkel. Funny stuff, but a little weird when you actually go so far as to identify the person (no you…the Gizmodo editor). I prefer your way of handling things.
And people still look at me like I’m crazy when I insist that I’m not interested in dating. Like, at all. Maybe it’s just because I’ve lived in NYC my whole life?
You think it’s a small world in New York… try the smaller cities out west (Seattle for a few years, then San Francisco for a few, for me.)
I have too many “small world” stories to even begin to know which one to tell. You learn real quick not to piss anybody off.
Why is it such a big deal that he disappeared? Sounds like you dated for a short time and he wasn’t that into you. You’d probably do the same.